My mom came out to visit us in May and a few weeks after she left she called to talk and went into a big speech about how she thinks I am depressed. I took immediate offense to it, snapped at her, and didn't speak to her for a few days. Then when I cooled down I wondered to myself why I was so upset by this...because she was right.
I have been in a downward spiral for many years, more specifically the last 4 years. Four years ago my husband lost his job, I almost lost my dad, we had to move to WI from VA for a new job, and there have been many more losses since we moved to WI. Shortly after moving here we lost the renters in the house that we still owned in VA and so we lost the house completely, my grandmother died and I was not able to get back to PA for the funeral, and I haven't been able to maintain a single friendship since I moved here.
This is not a big sob story...just me finally getting it all out instead of cramming it all deep down inside. While I whine about the little things to people that bother me through my daily life, it is not often that I speak up about the big things. No, I choose to go the lovely unhealthy route...I stay up late at night and gorge myself with the crappiest food I can find. I secretly purchase chips and stuff so that my husband doesn't see the amount that I really consume. There are other terrible habits as well but this is all I am comfortable sharing at this point. I often laugh at myself because for how healthy I eat through the day with the kids, I do a complete 180 degree turn as soon as everyone is in bed. My weight over the last year has really gone up, I have lost all motivation, and lately I have been having some health issues. I cried the other night when my husband asked me what my current weight is for our new insurance. I have never been this heavy, not even when I was pregnant.
So, here it is, I am just putting this out there because I feel like it will hold me accountable. I am so tired of being ashamed of myself and feeling like I am such a fraud when I talk to people about traditional foods. I know that it will not be that hard to see results because cutting out the calories I consume at night is more than I consume in 3 meals with the kids.
So here it is 11:00, usually when my terrible habits are just beginning, but I have had my glass of cherry flavored kombucha and I am tired and ready for bed. Tomorrow I am getting back into the workout routine I had before I had the chickenpox in March. I am ready for this...I can't continue down the path I am on.
I hope you don't judge me too harshly, but hell nothing you think could be half as bad as the things I think about myself some days. Just looking for a little support.
Starting weight is 190, I would like to lose 50lbs...let's see where this journey takes me.
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